The brain fart

Do nothing or very little. It doesn’t have to be important. Create something little when you feel like you can’t manage a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t happen to be big to be important. As long as it makes you happy. I’m always happy when I create something, anything: little or big. It usually depends on how I feel that day.

Taking photos of things can make me happy some days, at other times I have to write about things. Then there are times when I can only draw and doodle on sheets of paper to fully understand what I feel. As long as it is something that I am making, I’m glad to have put my feelings on paper, or to have captured an everyday moment on my camera. Every creation has its worth and has the capability of providing me with great contentment. I just keep experimenting to find out what gives me the most joy on any given day.

The days I fear are those when my mind feels like a blank sheet of paper, dry and empty. I am also fearful of days when my mind is too full of a variety of information to be able to give me the right message on what or how to feel. That is a problem. Because I am at such times fully incapable of doing anything creative, since essentially I have no idea what to feel. Some days are like a day out in the winter rain: wet, uncomfortable, cold, confusing and miserable. Those lead to really no creativity as well. So I’m thankful for being able to even get to a point where I can create anything: little or big. Because dry days and wet days are too overwhelming for my mind to let me express myself.

Lately, I was beginning to feel like I was in one of the above episodes, and that I was not creating anything at all, and I really wasn’t. Maybe because my mind was feeling incapable of digesting certain information it was receiving. It made me unhappy to realize that I was creating nothing. I tried, but nothing came to me. I was incredibly distraught. I couldn’t do the things I like to do normally: scribble, doodle, take photos, and writing about stuff. Imagine me not being able to do these things for a few days because my brain is experiencing an unfortunately prolonged fart.

I wanted to cry, and I did. Because I did not know what else to do. Writing was not happening, I hated every word I wrote because nothing I wrote felt like me, I hated every word I read, and I did not want to draw anything. I wanted to light a fire to every piece of paper I’d try to doodle on.

Today I was slightly capable of thinking clearly and realized it was all really my own fault. I know now what I was doing wrong: I was expecting too much of myself and putting too much pressure on myself. I need to let these things happen naturally. Because that’s how they came to me before, naturally. So what if I can’t think right sometimes. Although it is hard to not do things you like to do, because your brain has suddenly decided it does not want to do those things anymore; I did find comfort in the fact that I was at least not out on a killing spree, and I was waiting some what patiently for my brain to resume its ‘normal’ functioning.

Now that I feel considerably better, I am again beginning to effortlessly find contentment in the little things that I enjoyed doing previously (until a few days ago of course, when I was not doing them at all). I also have learned that I should not panic when this happens. Because it is always temporary. And it has happened to me before, so I don’t know why I was panicking about it this time. Anyhow, I’m glad that I am back. And I will resume seeking contentment in my usual oddball activities.

Bibi

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